The Choices That Make or Break Relationships
Relationships are built in the little moments.
Not just in the big conversations, romantic holidays or declarations of love, but in the ordinary moments that happen every day.
Your partner tells you about something that happened at work.
They show you something on their phone.
They sigh and say, “I've had such a hard day.”
They reach for your hand.
They ask, “Did you see that sunset?”
In these moments, there is often a choice:
Do I turn towards my partner, or do I turn away?
Relationship researcher Dr John Gottman describes these small attempts to connect as bids for connection. Dr Sue Johnson's attachment-based work helps us understand why these moments can carry so much emotional importance.
Together, their work highlights something important:
Emotional connection is built through responsiveness.
What Is a Bid for Connection?
A bid is simply an attempt to connect with your partner.
Some bids are obvious:
“Can you give me a hug?”
“Can we talk?”
“Do you have a minute?”
But many bids are much more subtle:
“Look at this.”
“You'll never believe what happened today.”
“I'm exhausted.”
“Want to come for a walk?”
Even a simple comment about the weather can sometimes be a bid for connection.
Underneath the words may be a desire to be noticed, heard or included:
“Connect with me.”
“Notice me.”
“Share this moment with me.”
“Do I matter to you?”
Turning Towards or Turning Away
We can respond to a bid in different ways.
Turning towards means noticing the bid and responding in some way.
Turning away means missing, ignoring or not responding to it.
Turning against means responding negatively, dismissively or critically.
For example, your partner says:
“Work was awful today.”
Turning away: “Hmm.” — while continuing to look at your phone.
Turning towards: “Oh no. What happened?”
Turning against: “You always complain about work.”
These moments may seem very small. But over time, the way partners respond to one another can influence how connected and emotionally safe the relationship feels.
Turning Away Doesn't Always Mean Rejection
Turning away isn't always deliberate.
You may be tired, distracted, overwhelmed or simply not have the capacity to engage at that particular moment.
Sometimes it may look like continuing to scroll on your phone while your partner is talking, giving a distracted “mm-hmm”, changing the subject or immediately offering a solution when your partner really wants you to understand how they feel.
Healthy relationships don't require us to be constantly available or to respond perfectly.
We will all miss bids.
What matters is the pattern over time, and whether we can notice when we've become disconnected and find our way back to each other.
What Is Happening Underneath?
This is where Sue Johnson's attachment perspective adds another layer.
When we reach for our partner, we are often seeking more than an answer to the immediate problem. We are looking for emotional connection and reassurance that our partner is there for us.
So underneath:
“Why didn't you call me?”
there may be:
“Can I count on you?”
Underneath:
“You never listen to me!”
there may be:
“Do I matter to you?”
And underneath withdrawal there may sometimes be:
“I've stopped reaching because I don't believe you'll be there.”
What we see on the surface—anger, criticism, defensiveness or withdrawal—can sometimes be carrying a deeper longing or fear about the relationship.
The Cycle Couples Can Get Caught In
Sometimes one partner reaches harder for connection while the other withdraws.
The withdrawal creates more anxiety and disconnection, so the first partner reaches even harder.
The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws.
The more the other withdraws, the more alone and unheard the first partner feels.
Eventually both partners can feel hurt, frustrated and misunderstood.
It can become less about who is right and more about the cycle the couple has become caught in.
This is one of the things I find particularly valuable about combining Gottman's practical relationship work with Sue Johnson's attachment perspective. It allows us to look not only at what couples are doing, but also at what may be happening emotionally underneath those behaviours.
Turning Towards Doesn't Mean Agreeing
Turning towards your partner doesn't mean you have to agree with everything they say, solve every problem or be endlessly available.
You can disagree and still try to understand your partner's experience.
You can also need space and still communicate that the relationship matters.
For example:
“I really want to hear this, but I'm overwhelmed right now. Can we talk after dinner?”
That is different from dismissing your partner and never returning to the conversation.
Turning towards is about responsiveness, not perfection.
The Small Moments Add Up
When we repeatedly reach for someone and feel ignored, we may eventually stop reaching.
We might begin to think:
“There's no point.”
“I'll deal with it myself.”
“They don't really care.”
Our partner may experience our withdrawal differently:
“They don't want me.”
“They've checked out.”
And the distance between us can grow.
Couples can eventually find themselves living alongside each other rather than truly connecting with each other.
But patterns can change.
Sometimes the first step is simply becoming curious about what happens between you.
When one of you reaches for connection, what happens next?
Love Is Built in the Turning
Gottman's work reminds us that relationships are strengthened through the small, repeated moments in which we respond to one another.
Sue Johnson's work reminds us why those moments matter so deeply. We want to know that when we reach for the person we love, they will be there for us.
We will all miss bids.
We will all become distracted, defensive, tired or overwhelmed.
That's human.
What matters is what happens next.
Can we notice?
Can we repair?
Can we turn back towards each other?
Sometimes love is built in the turning.
In the small moments when we say:
“I'm here. I see you. You matter to me.”
References: The Gottman Institute; Sue Johnson and Emotionally Focused Therapy.
If you would like to explore the patterns of connection and disconnection in your relationship, please get in touch with Kareen on 0408 792 747.
